Added: Jasmyne Cutts - Date: 18.12.2021 07:48 - Views: 36492 - Clicks: 6400
W hat a week for science! For not only has the so-called God particle finally been discovered, but research from the University of Hertfordshire has proven the truth of a phenomenon that, much like Peter Higgs, many of us have long had a hunch about — albeit based on the time we fell wildly in love with the person who played the Romeo to our Juliet in the school play, rather than years of research in theoretical physics.
Put simply: a psychologist has found that if you pretend you love someone and go through the motions to demonstrate it that you would if you were really in love, you are more likely to find that — surprise! With the aid of a crack team of speed daters, Professor Richard Wiseman has demonstrated that people on speed dates who acted like they were already in love, through intense eye-gazing, touching, and the sharing of secrets, were more likely to indicate an interest in seeing each other again, in contrast with those who adhered to standard speed dating conventions.
In my experience, these conventions meant maintaining a friendly smile while various men described to me things like what vegetables they'd be if they were vegetables, only for them to abandon the conversation at the behest of a three-minute timer, in many cases before they'd really drilled down to what was at the crux of their affinity with beetroot. I really didn't want any of them to gaze intensely in to my eyes, much less touch me. While falling in love might ideally be an activity that occurs on a plane more elevated than that on which many of the rest of our usual activities happen, the fact is that its mechanics can be equally mundane.
And going through the motions to trick ourselves into thinking that we are happy with our lot is something that we do to cope with many other crucial challenges in our lives. We force grins until we find that we feel cheerful; we wear jumpers that our nans knitted us until we begin to feel that maybe they're not hideously ugly; we behave as if we like our colleagues because we have no choice but to see them daily.
While pretending that we love someone until we really do love them may sound like it resembles the dreaded "settling" that believers in a certain kind of great romance are keen to avoid, Wiseman's experiment merely simulates something that happens in every loving relationship — just usually not on the first date. For enduring I want to pretend to love you always involves a modicum of pretence: really loving someone requires that you must behave as though you love them, deep down, even when they appal you.
And appal you they will: no matter how genuinely smitten you are, eventually everyone you ever fall in love with will do something that is a bit horrifying. The difference between relationships that last and those that end in battles over the correct way to do washing-up or something equally doable in an appalling way is the ability to pretend to love your partner in spite of it, rather than flouncing off to locate someone who hasn't yet been appalling.
In fact, I think that this kind of pretending is probably among the most loving things you can do in a committed relationship; nothing says "I really do care" quite like "I won't leave you even though sometimes I find you kind of disgusting. And thus Wiseman's method of speed dating may simply be a way of moving a bit fast: manifesting a form of behaviour at the very beginning of a relationship that we usually reserve for employment once relationships are well-established. Everyone hates the initial, awkward stages of dating anyway, so perhaps this could be a truly exciting new way of skipping to the good stuff: if you can pretend that you love someone when you've just met them, just imagine the possibilities of pretending that might lie ahead as you build a life together.
I don't blame you if you're feeling a bit swoony at the prospect. Or at least feigning it. Opinion Relationships. This article is more than 9 years old. Jean Hannah Edelstein. So speed-daters who act all gooey with each other are more likely to feel the real thing. Not bad training for a relationship. Thu 5 Jul Topics Relationships Opinion Dating Psychology comment. Reuse this content.I want to pretend to love you
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